I don’t normally write about my work but on finding some old rickety photographs over the week-end I thought you would be interested in the stories behind them. Back in 1995 drug runners were getting the upper hand. They even had navigational charts with the current locations of United States Navy and Coast Guard patrol boats. The Department of Defense decided a new approach was needed. A secret program to inject a little terror into the drug runners and disrupt their operations was begun. I was chosen to lead the program because as a federal civilian employee with a lot of “use or lose” annual leave it would just be assumed that I was on vacation if I was not at my desk.
So I was recruited into the Pirate Police. I operated in the Caribbean with my mateys and would intercept drug runners, really terrifying them with our cutlasses and our pirate talk. “Avast ye lily-livered scallywags!” and “Shiver me timbers, ye sons of biscuit eaters, hand over the booty!” Copycat pirates began robbing legitimate shipping and we got the blame. The U.S Government put out a reward of 1,000,000 guineas for my capture and marked me as Public Pirate #1. There were even giant reward posters displayed in New York. I was forced to end the operation and return to my desk job. Just as well really, I was all out of leave and my software project was due.
In 1968 I flew some missions in Biafra. The United States didn’t officially recognize Biafra but wanted to lend a hand. Biafra had a few old airplanes and I flew one of these several times out of south-eastern Nigeria. However, by 1970 the Nigerian-Biafran War was over and I was on my way home. Back in Nigeria a war museum was erected that features me prominently as a Nigerian war hero. Apparently I was so off target on several of my missions that I ended up destroying strategic Biafran military targets, thus hastening the war’s end in Nigeria’s favor.
Last year, leaving my desk job behind I departed for Rhea. Now you won’t be hearing about this on the news because it never happened. With a borrowed spaceship from Area 51 I was sent as part of an audit team to Rhea Base to run tests on the automated software that tracks all asteroids in the quadrant. I was equipped with the very latest space suit that as well as keeping me alive also makes quite a fashion statement. So much so that when a number of photographs were leaked to the press, my picture appeared in Vogue magazine.
Disclaimer This is just a fictional story on a blog. Please don’t try this at home since I can’t guarantee results. I am not responsible for collateral damage arising out of unintended consequences and any legal costs arising from any pirate, war, or space activities.
Photography special effects and face-detection technology courtesy of PhotoFunia.